Today, I decided I didn't want to fuck either Gabe or Paul any more, at least not for a while. The main reason for this is that I've caught myself having sex because I crave intimacy, and even worse, both of the aforementioned men give me that, in a genuine, caring way.
This would all be well and good; but the trouble is, my traitor body, with its hormones and all, is trying to take me through a manufactured post-break-up, moving-on stage. Except for one problem: I haven't in fact broken up with anyone. My stupid body just assumes that because I haven't seen my beloved for nigh on six months. Goddamn chemical processes. So for now, I have to restrict my sex to completely casual encounters, rather than with men who care about me, and whom I care about. That, and masturbation. How vexing!
As for actual intimacy, I think I'll just have to stick to hugs, from whoever is willing to give them. Unfortunately, simultaneous orgasms, kissing, or even platonically waking up next to each other is a bit of an explosive thing for me to be doing right now. I have to pointedly not listen to my pussy here.
I have already let Paul know about this. He was quite nice about it, really. Glad to know that. I like to think that I'm pretty decent at maintaining friendship with people I have slept with, after the fact. we were talking again quite comfortably shortly afterwards, though apparently some things had to be said:
Him: you realise you've ruined me for other women don't you?
Me: Uh, why?
Him: loves to fuck, anytime of day or night, you're hot, open to suggestion and you cum like a train... what's not to like?
Me: Well, I'm sure there are others like me out there. :) Not many, but they do exist. Mind you, I get what you're saying... it creeps me out how much less the average girl seems to enjoy sex than i do.
As for Gabe: well, it's kind of in limbo. And part of me doesn't want to cut him off just yet, with the excuse that I probably won't see him for another few months anyway, so who cares?
Actually, I'm just being weak. Earlier today, I was still a little put out about not having heard from him, and then felt appeased by a two-page SMS from him, affectionate and complimentary as you please. Aargh! I'm acting like some cock-slapped (or whatever the counterpart of the term "pussywhipped" is) girly girl! And while it's not like he's even that high up in quality of shags I've had in my time, by any stretch of the imagination, he does smell damn good. Sometimes, I do hate the power of pheromones, even though the effect of them can be so wonderful.
I think I'll just ignore him for a while. Seems to be what he does too, except when we happen to be together. That's when he gets really affectionate. He has complained to me about past attempts at casual relationships, which have resulted in the girl falling for him. I'm starting to think that that's his own damn fault, if he's going to be so affectionate and nice, only to withdraw it long enough to make a girl want his attention, and then giving it just before she is about to ditch him. I doubt he does it on purpose, but it's certainly a potent combination, and it pisses me off that to a certain extent, it works on me, too.
Yep. I think ignoring him will be the best choice for now. And once I have properly reconnected with my beloved, and my traitor body is no longer trying to pull these stunts with my emotional state, I can figure out whether I want to bed Gabe again. Though when I think about it, it probably is just wiser to go for the friendship default. We shall see.
For now, I think I shall once again focus on my masturbatory project: seeing if I can get myself to squirt. Though I think that tonight, I'm a little too tired and irked for it. It'll probably just be a quick fiddle before I go to sleep.
Night y'all.
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