Self-confidence = libido?

Yesterday's orgasm count: One. One! Pathetic. And yes, self-inflicted.

Today has been uninteresting. Though I did get a call from the more interesting of the two fellows I made contact with yesterday. This pleases me. He seems quite nice, actually. We have agreed to meet up tomorrow evening, which should be pleasant enough.

As for the other fellow: he is starting to get on my nerves right royally. Pushy bugger. I think I might tell him to get lost. Call me old-fashioned, but I do not think it to be particularly polite or respectful to first ask for a threesome upon hearing I have a female housemate, and then ask for anal, before having even met me in the flesh. Fuckhead. I really don't appreciate people who try to push comfort zones so early on, and this one obviously just looked at my photos and my stats, without reading what I had to say for myself.

In a slightly different vein, I found myself having a conversation with my friend Zac while we were waiting for the bus. It had started with him belting out the various whimsical little pop songs he writes, and then moving to a more serious one, which he had written for a female friend of his whose boyfriend beats her.

Me: In that situation, I'd beat him right back.
Him: Yeah, but you've got self-confidence.
Me: ...true. Sigh. When you get right down to it, very few women seem to have self-confidence. Or enjoy sex, for that matter.
Him: Yep.
Me: I wonder if the two are related...
Him: Shrugs Maybe.
Me: I don't know, men like that just make my blood boil. The kind of situation that would make the stereotypical girl cringe away and feel intimidated, would just fill me with rage and make me roar.
Him: Nods Yeah, guys like that really shit me, too.

It also got me thinking once again what a frighteningly large number of people in my acquaintance have been sexually abused in some way, shape or form. And I'm not talking exclusively about women, either. It makes me realise once again how damn lucky I have been, and how sheltered. And I find myself wondering, how did I stay safe? I'm starting to think that my mum going through her self-defense course phase when I was ten has served to vaccinate me as much as is possible. Back when I was the punching bag for the boys in the schoolyard, I had nowhere near the self-confidence I have now. Mum told me that all the women in her self-defence course were scared little mice in the beginning. When the instructor told them to yell, none of them had the guts to do even that. Not surprising: it breaks social norms, which I suspect women are less willing to do. After the course, mum told me that if ever I got into that kind of situation, I should never be afraid to scream, raise a fuss, and draw attention to the situation, as that is precisely what molestors, rapists, and attackers fear most. Back then, it seemed such a ridiculous thing to do, with me being the timid little girl I was.

Even my motivation to take up Karate in order to defend myself has its roots with mum, when I really think about it. She actually would have joined me, if her permanently injured elbows could have supported it. As it was, she watched with admiration, which was probably the best motivation I could get. And the result of learning a martial art was that I actually became less aggressive and more relaxed. And yet, the men who are often accused of being disrespectful to women just don't try anything with me. The result is, actually, that I have started to view men with rose-tinted glasses, and I forget that there is a breed of man out there that I would label "scumbag". I am only reminded of their existence when I see my friends fall victim to them, or when I talk to one online, because text on a screen does not convey that demeanor of mine, which seems to act as such a strong deterrent.

I suppose it's no wonder I attract Nice Guys(TM): they probably feel the least threatened by me. It makes me think, maybe when something doesn't work out between a Nice Guy and myself, I should refer him to one of my abused friends. Then again, a lot of said abused friends probably wouldn't be attracted to them, considering how they seem to have their wires crossed.

Sometimes I do wonder though: how many women don't seem to enjoy sex simply because they lack the self-confidence? How often is sex dampened by feelings of shame, self-deprecation, and inadequacy? I mean, how is a girl going to enjoy sex if she is worrying about her appearance, or doesn't feel strong and capable? How can she enjoy it if she doesn't love herself? I have frequently been accused of being a narcissist, and perhaps there is some truth in that; I am, after all, a spoiled brat. But such statements seem to be provoked by something as benign as me catching sight of myself in the mirror and saying to myself, "My hair looks good today". Frankly, until someone self-confident calls me a narcissist, I'd be tempted to disregard it. To someone with no self-confidence, someone who does have that sort of confidence probably does look like a flaming narcissist.

It brings to mind the lyrics of I touch myself, by the Divinyls:

I love myself,
I want you to love me...

I think they had it right.

Come to think of it, the pushy bloke doesn't deserve a chance with me. He has struck out. Cockrag. But it makes me all the more pleased that I have heard from the other one, who really does seem nice.